Wounded--
a gasp, a stagger--
she fell away,
and in the midst
he lay there--
slain--
the foe of such a life--
of faint hearts
and cold eyes--
ground lost to tired feet
falling so soon?
wake the souls--
here comes the charge.
04 November 2008
"in hiding"
Like an open wound
she fell away,
and in the midst
he lay there--
slain--
the foe of such a life--
of faint hearts
and cold eyes--
shall it all be done away?
and soon?
The taste of a sweet rebirth--
here comes the morning.
she fell away,
and in the midst
he lay there--
slain--
the foe of such a life--
of faint hearts
and cold eyes--
shall it all be done away?
and soon?
The taste of a sweet rebirth--
here comes the morning.
28 October 2008
"another unheard…"
Tell me
does it hurt more
to be the cuts on my heart
or to see the cuts on my skin.
Well let me tell you,
the cuts on my skin are nothing
compared to the despair that fills me,
the deep wounds of a heart.
You tell me to not be stupid
to not hurt myself
to never do it again,
but you don't listen when I tell you
to be fair
to not hurt me…
you hurt me more than I could ever hurt myself.
So tell me what happens
if I cut, if I hit that vein, if I die,
is it your fault or mine?
I've already died inside.
does it hurt more
to be the cuts on my heart
or to see the cuts on my skin.
Well let me tell you,
the cuts on my skin are nothing
compared to the despair that fills me,
the deep wounds of a heart.
You tell me to not be stupid
to not hurt myself
to never do it again,
but you don't listen when I tell you
to be fair
to not hurt me…
you hurt me more than I could ever hurt myself.
So tell me what happens
if I cut, if I hit that vein, if I die,
is it your fault or mine?
I've already died inside.
"WARNING: viewer discretion advised."
Hello.
This is me.
If you don't want to know,
if you don't want to see,
if you don't want to hear,
then don't read.
I could be a million smiles,
I could be a million scars,
that's just me.
You could read me,
you could walk away,
but you can never tell me
what to write,
who to be.
Don't you know
that this is me.
Goodbye.
This is me.
If you don't want to know,
if you don't want to see,
if you don't want to hear,
then don't read.
I could be a million smiles,
I could be a million scars,
that's just me.
You could read me,
you could walk away,
but you can never tell me
what to write,
who to be.
Don't you know
that this is me.
Goodbye.
19 October 2008
"how do you not see it?"
She says she does not see;
blind
but to my words
but to the pictures I paint
in her mind,
because she cannot see.
I do not believe her.
How could one not see?
when all the beauty
is there,
all to be seen
to be heard
to be breathed
to be savored
to be held,
is there before you.
She says she sees a rush
only the stresses of daily life;
this is why she doesn't see,
why she cannot see.
She says she wants to see it,
wants to see it soon,
but she need only take a step back
from the world
and breathe.
I find the colors of that sunset
in a stranger's eyes,
I find the sounds of that sky
in a soul's melody,
I find the fragrance of that evening
in the air about me,
I find the flavors of that beauty
in a life that passes by,
I find the arms of those clouds
in love.
I say she let life be to flow,
I say she live in the moment,
I say she take in the beauty,
I say for her to stop
and see.
blind
but to my words
but to the pictures I paint
in her mind,
because she cannot see.
I do not believe her.
How could one not see?
when all the beauty
is there,
all to be seen
to be heard
to be breathed
to be savored
to be held,
is there before you.
She says she sees a rush
only the stresses of daily life;
this is why she doesn't see,
why she cannot see.
She says she wants to see it,
wants to see it soon,
but she need only take a step back
from the world
and breathe.
I find the colors of that sunset
in a stranger's eyes,
I find the sounds of that sky
in a soul's melody,
I find the fragrance of that evening
in the air about me,
I find the flavors of that beauty
in a life that passes by,
I find the arms of those clouds
in love.
I say she let life be to flow,
I say she live in the moment,
I say she take in the beauty,
I say for her to stop
and see.
16 October 2008
15 October 2008
"never gone"
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see it in your eyes
and feel it on your breath.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see it in your movements,
and feel it on the air.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see your hand raise,
and feel it on the way.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see the hand coming,
and to feel my guard go up
and to hear my voice
and to hold my own.
To think that fear was gone,
but now to feel your anger,
to see it in my mind
and to feel it in my heart.
What a fool am I,
to think that fear was gone.
but then to hear the anger,
to see it in your eyes
and feel it on your breath.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see it in your movements,
and feel it on the air.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see your hand raise,
and feel it on the way.
To think that fear was gone,
but then to hear the anger,
to see the hand coming,
and to feel my guard go up
and to hear my voice
and to hold my own.
To think that fear was gone,
but now to feel your anger,
to see it in my mind
and to feel it in my heart.
What a fool am I,
to think that fear was gone.
[untitled]
Should I long to fly
should I long to soar
should I run away
to find the door
and crash upon landing;
in flight
though grounded;
cold
crisp
I'm here.
should I long to soar
should I run away
to find the door
and crash upon landing;
in flight
though grounded;
cold
crisp
I'm here.
11 October 2008
"a beauty to behold"
What wonder
to happen upon this soul
so long there
yet untold;
and what beauty,
what stunning surprise
that such a heart
were lent to sight.
Hath mine eyes lied?
Hath mine sense
been fooled?
Surely;
but could such
be found?
Could such yet
be found unto me?
What wonder,
what blessing,
were lent to me,
to mine heart,
better choice despite.
And what beauty!
to be found
to befriend.
Were I not to
cherish
were I not to
honor
were I not to
nurture
were I not to
love,
would I beat upon
hell's gates
from the side of no return.
But here
such a one
as this
with heart mind soul
so pure
what wondrous beauty
hath been found
in one so close
and unto me.
to happen upon this soul
so long there
yet untold;
and what beauty,
what stunning surprise
that such a heart
were lent to sight.
Hath mine eyes lied?
Hath mine sense
been fooled?
Surely;
but could such
be found?
Could such yet
be found unto me?
What wonder,
what blessing,
were lent to me,
to mine heart,
better choice despite.
And what beauty!
to be found
to befriend.
Were I not to
cherish
were I not to
honor
were I not to
nurture
were I not to
love,
would I beat upon
hell's gates
from the side of no return.
But here
such a one
as this
with heart mind soul
so pure
what wondrous beauty
hath been found
in one so close
and unto me.
it's untitled
Thoughts falling down,
loose about her ankles,
stripped
bare
to the bone;
should trembling give her away;
but for
a
lone
arrow
that met her heart,
that took without question.
loose about her ankles,
stripped
bare
to the bone;
should trembling give her away;
but for
a
lone
arrow
that met her heart,
that took without question.
"Butterflies"
A delicate beauty
fluttering
swaying on the breeze
soft
slow
stopped
perched on the edge
still.
Curves and jewels
yellow blue,
a smile in an
open palm,
a strong hold on
flying hearts;
and all pauses
for a moment
beauty
most delicate--
she flies away.
fluttering
swaying on the breeze
soft
slow
stopped
perched on the edge
still.
Curves and jewels
yellow blue,
a smile in an
open palm,
a strong hold on
flying hearts;
and all pauses
for a moment
beauty
most delicate--
she flies away.
16 September 2008
"bumps and thoughts and hereafters"
The air feels heavy on me.
Gravity wouldn't settle for force,
no, he wanted more,
and he pushes, he shoves,
a strength that pulls me down,
that shakes me sideways.
The room lurches
and with it, my sight, my core;
I beg to stand, to breathe,
to see straight,
I blink tears away,
I push the liquid back down,
but the room lurches again.
So heavy on me,
I sway,
a throbbing above me
and no control;
I've forgotten which way
to lay my head.
Gravity wouldn't settle for force,
no, he wanted more,
and he pushes, he shoves,
a strength that pulls me down,
that shakes me sideways.
The room lurches
and with it, my sight, my core;
I beg to stand, to breathe,
to see straight,
I blink tears away,
I push the liquid back down,
but the room lurches again.
So heavy on me,
I sway,
a throbbing above me
and no control;
I've forgotten which way
to lay my head.
13 September 2008
"weather"
The cold
in shades of grey
it moves, divides,
each goes their way
and with it shifts
Emotion
beneath the skin
scattered minds
in shades of grey.
in shades of grey
it moves, divides,
each goes their way
and with it shifts
Emotion
beneath the skin
scattered minds
in shades of grey.
11 September 2008
"love story"
Good Morning!
she yelped and cried in vain
good morning…
to fingers stiff and cold;
and the waves crashed,
the tides turned,
the eyes were still and far.
She begged to no avail;
the tree shut,
the dirt fell in mounds,
the foliage died away,
and she knelt and wept.
The time passed,
the skin fell away,
and she came,
she came till Good Night,
good night…
she whispered
into fingers stiff and cold;
she tossed with the ocean spray,
and two souls drowning, drenched,
salt heavy on flesh,
flesh heavy in water,
water heavy on lungs,
lungs heavy on breath,
breath heavy in love,
love heavy on hearts,
hearts
stopped.
And the two souls
they fell away,
they floated on.
she yelped and cried in vain
good morning…
to fingers stiff and cold;
and the waves crashed,
the tides turned,
the eyes were still and far.
She begged to no avail;
the tree shut,
the dirt fell in mounds,
the foliage died away,
and she knelt and wept.
The time passed,
the skin fell away,
and she came,
she came till Good Night,
good night…
she whispered
into fingers stiff and cold;
she tossed with the ocean spray,
and two souls drowning, drenched,
salt heavy on flesh,
flesh heavy in water,
water heavy on lungs,
lungs heavy on breath,
breath heavy in love,
love heavy on hearts,
hearts
stopped.
And the two souls
they fell away,
they floated on.
"my fall"
To not remember, not recall,
to feel the wound but not the fall;
helpless, lost in an empty brain
and void all memory:
the fall of pain.
to feel the wound but not the fall;
helpless, lost in an empty brain
and void all memory:
the fall of pain.
29 August 2008
"bleeding watercolors"
Pigtails on a Painter's pallet,
the colors swirled to blood-stained strokes,
and up and down on the seesaw she goes.
Unborn limbs tossed to the sea,
smiles cut to fit the canvas,
and up and down and up and down.
She's a twirl of cotton candy,
running barefoot in a splash of sun,
up, up, up;
a flick of a brush,
held steady, silent,
and down, down, down.
And here she runs to the seesaw,
up and down she goes,
up and down,
up,
down,
she clings,
see her go,
up,
down.
An open wound begging for salt,
and yet…
she yearns for the jump off an easel,
out of a frame,
the dizzy sugar grin,
she yearns
up,
held by a Painter
down.
the colors swirled to blood-stained strokes,
and up and down on the seesaw she goes.
Unborn limbs tossed to the sea,
smiles cut to fit the canvas,
and up and down and up and down.
She's a twirl of cotton candy,
running barefoot in a splash of sun,
up, up, up;
a flick of a brush,
held steady, silent,
and down, down, down.
And here she runs to the seesaw,
up and down she goes,
up and down,
up,
down,
she clings,
see her go,
up,
down.
An open wound begging for salt,
and yet…
she yearns for the jump off an easel,
out of a frame,
the dizzy sugar grin,
she yearns
up,
held by a Painter
down.
23 August 2008
"broken darkness"
She sat
alone
in the dark.
Pain coursing through
every
vein.
She wanted to let
all that pain
out.
And she did.
She sat
alone
and in the dark
she broke
skin
let the pain
flow.
Slowly,
so
slowly,
she etched the letters
P
A
I
N
into her flesh,
and felt it flow away.
She was
alone.
alone
in the dark.
Pain coursing through
every
vein.
She wanted to let
all that pain
out.
And she did.
She sat
alone
and in the dark
she broke
skin
let the pain
flow.
Slowly,
so
slowly,
she etched the letters
P
A
I
N
into her flesh,
and felt it flow away.
She was
alone.
"what did you do?"
I don't even know you!
A liar,
a manipulator,
how do you look in a mirror?
…I don't understand.
And yet I love you,
I forgive you,
and we all fall for your lies,
time and time again…
we'd like to believe you,
like to be blind,
but you prevent even that.
You hurt us,
her,
her,
him,
me.
Doesn't it hurt?
To know that you're the cause,
that you and you alone
are the reason for the tears?
For the body-shaking sobs,
for the lack of sleep,
for the skipped meals,
for the wall-banged heads,
for the fear,
for the pain.
Doesn't it burn your conscience?
I don't know you,
I don't understand you,
I hate the pain you fill us with,
and yet I love you.
I don't understand!
You don't know,
you just don't.
You don't hear my prayers,
don't hear the sobs,
don't see the scars,
you just don't.
But I love you!
God knows I love you.
If only you knew,
if only you could understand,
if only you would try,
if only you would see,
if only you wouldn't hurt us so…
but I pray for you,
I do.
I ask God to help you,
ask Him to let you see,
to let you love.
You just don't realize
how much all this,
all this pointless stress,
crushes me.
And it doesn't matter what it is,
it's never mattered what it is…
just the fact that you lie,
that you hide,
that you cause the hurt and tears,
that's what matters.
I wish I knew you.
I wish there was more to do
but to try and pray and love.
I don't hate you,
but I don't know you either…
A liar,
a manipulator,
how do you look in a mirror?
…I don't understand.
And yet I love you,
I forgive you,
and we all fall for your lies,
time and time again…
we'd like to believe you,
like to be blind,
but you prevent even that.
You hurt us,
her,
her,
him,
me.
Doesn't it hurt?
To know that you're the cause,
that you and you alone
are the reason for the tears?
For the body-shaking sobs,
for the lack of sleep,
for the skipped meals,
for the wall-banged heads,
for the fear,
for the pain.
Doesn't it burn your conscience?
I don't know you,
I don't understand you,
I hate the pain you fill us with,
and yet I love you.
I don't understand!
You don't know,
you just don't.
You don't hear my prayers,
don't hear the sobs,
don't see the scars,
you just don't.
But I love you!
God knows I love you.
If only you knew,
if only you could understand,
if only you would try,
if only you would see,
if only you wouldn't hurt us so…
but I pray for you,
I do.
I ask God to help you,
ask Him to let you see,
to let you love.
You just don't realize
how much all this,
all this pointless stress,
crushes me.
And it doesn't matter what it is,
it's never mattered what it is…
just the fact that you lie,
that you hide,
that you cause the hurt and tears,
that's what matters.
I wish I knew you.
I wish there was more to do
but to try and pray and love.
I don't hate you,
but I don't know you either…
21 August 2008
"on repeat"
It's a smile, a tear,
a speck of light in the eyes;
it's the string that can't be cut,
keeps heart to heart to heart.
It's the song on the radio,
on the mp3, mp4, CD headphones;
the quiet humming,
the one and only hairbrush show,
the refrain in the shower.
It's the melody, the words,
the meaning;
it's the connection,
the heart to heart to heart
of every girl that
keeps the feelings, the tears, the smiles:
secrets made music,
the song on all our lips.
a speck of light in the eyes;
it's the string that can't be cut,
keeps heart to heart to heart.
It's the song on the radio,
on the mp3, mp4, CD headphones;
the quiet humming,
the one and only hairbrush show,
the refrain in the shower.
It's the melody, the words,
the meaning;
it's the connection,
the heart to heart to heart
of every girl that
keeps the feelings, the tears, the smiles:
secrets made music,
the song on all our lips.
16 August 2008
"want"
If I'm always you
and never me
how am I supposed to fly?
…you won't even let me stand.
And where I crawl to is a mystery,
a secret symphony,
all my hopes and dreams locked away,
if you saw,
you wouldn't even let me crawl.
and never me
how am I supposed to fly?
…you won't even let me stand.
And where I crawl to is a mystery,
a secret symphony,
all my hopes and dreams locked away,
if you saw,
you wouldn't even let me crawl.
13 August 2008
"young teenage heart"
What I wouldn't give for a taste of love.
Lie still?
I can't.
My body moves with longing,
eyes closed, head back,
voice singing my heart out.
I can't be still.
Like my feet learned to dance
and I'm still trying to learn;
I can only move,
the beat of my heart keeping time.
Oh what I wouldn't give!
Screams in my mouth,
can't you hear the agony?
Can't you hear my heart calling?
I can't be still,
can't be silent.
What I wouldn't give for you.
Loneliness: a fatality.
What I wouldn't give for arms around me,
sweet kisses I could taste,
a heart to hold on to.
Give me love;
I can't stop moving,
can't stop looking.
I'd give you everything.
A young heart?
So call me foolish,
but what I wouldn't give!
Just a taste of that love.
Tearing me apart,
rake my body with a million spears,
but first a single scrap of truth,
just a taste of love.
I can't help moving,
can't help looking,
longing for you.
And how will I know?
Will you love me true?
I can't but wonder;
the frailties of my lost heart.
I can't lie still,
my dreams staging wishes;
I'm just a young heart,
but I see you,
want you.
Our forms swaying,
hearts in hands
in love.
What I wouldn't give!
I can't.
I'll just be moving,
won't be able to keep still,
not until you stop me,
hold me,
keep me,
love me.
My heart will stop,
it won't be mine.
I'll lie still.
I'd give everything.
Lie still?
I can't.
My body moves with longing,
eyes closed, head back,
voice singing my heart out.
I can't be still.
Like my feet learned to dance
and I'm still trying to learn;
I can only move,
the beat of my heart keeping time.
Oh what I wouldn't give!
Screams in my mouth,
can't you hear the agony?
Can't you hear my heart calling?
I can't be still,
can't be silent.
What I wouldn't give for you.
Loneliness: a fatality.
What I wouldn't give for arms around me,
sweet kisses I could taste,
a heart to hold on to.
Give me love;
I can't stop moving,
can't stop looking.
I'd give you everything.
A young heart?
So call me foolish,
but what I wouldn't give!
Just a taste of that love.
Tearing me apart,
rake my body with a million spears,
but first a single scrap of truth,
just a taste of love.
I can't help moving,
can't help looking,
longing for you.
And how will I know?
Will you love me true?
I can't but wonder;
the frailties of my lost heart.
I can't lie still,
my dreams staging wishes;
I'm just a young heart,
but I see you,
want you.
Our forms swaying,
hearts in hands
in love.
What I wouldn't give!
I can't.
I'll just be moving,
won't be able to keep still,
not until you stop me,
hold me,
keep me,
love me.
My heart will stop,
it won't be mine.
I'll lie still.
I'd give everything.
"truth"
The truth?
I got home and cried.
I love those girls so much…
like sisters,
only closer.
And there's so much my heart feels,
if only I could find all the words.
I just can't wait for heaven
because added to all that glory,
I'll get to spend forever with my sisters.
I got home and cried.
I love those girls so much…
like sisters,
only closer.
And there's so much my heart feels,
if only I could find all the words.
I just can't wait for heaven
because added to all that glory,
I'll get to spend forever with my sisters.
09 August 2008
"another hard day."
My body feels useless,
lifeless,
restless even,
as the battle carries on inward,
my hands clench for a hit
and then loosen…
monsters that don't play fair,
no bruises or blood,
just immense focus…
tolerance for pain,
patience clouded in fear.
Tolerance…
for all the pain
as it makes its way past my strength,
as it shatters my focus;
the battle rages on.
I gain the higher ground,
confident and strong,
yet weary from exertion.
I feel the pain,
and work to face it,
destroy it.
My focus centered,
the Spirit filling my soul,
I keep on,
the fight never once pausing
for a fuel of pain and fear that great,
and I keep on,
despite the pain.
lifeless,
restless even,
as the battle carries on inward,
my hands clench for a hit
and then loosen…
monsters that don't play fair,
no bruises or blood,
just immense focus…
tolerance for pain,
patience clouded in fear.
Tolerance…
for all the pain
as it makes its way past my strength,
as it shatters my focus;
the battle rages on.
I gain the higher ground,
confident and strong,
yet weary from exertion.
I feel the pain,
and work to face it,
destroy it.
My focus centered,
the Spirit filling my soul,
I keep on,
the fight never once pausing
for a fuel of pain and fear that great,
and I keep on,
despite the pain.
07 August 2008
"dumbfounded"
Never felt this before.
Stronger than the pain,
than my satan,
than love.
It quickly takes my body,
doing more than holding me,
but possessing me…
it makes me breathe,
smile even,
it makes me feel--
alive;
so alive.
The thoughts course through me,
never once faltering,
never once letting me wince in pain,
and all my focus is on that child,
that sweet, sweet child.
Nothing else in my mind matters
though the pain has not eased,
my heart remains heavy,
and my mind aches in thought…
and yet, strangely,
nothing else seems to matter,
nothing else seems to be able to hurt,
I only feel its presence.
My heart,
taking all of me with it,
centers itself on that child
and on the beauty I,
so desperately,
long to become.
Some might consider me crazed,
insane even,
for the look in my eyes,
for the constant racing of my heart,
for the lack of concern for trivialities,
for the need to push harder still,
for the numbness that coats every pain,
for the plain focus on one want…
one only needs look in my eyes;
I'm not really here,
just going through the motions,
instead I'm turned inward,
battling every monster I used to fear,
I used to run from,
I used to give in to,
and yet I remain confident,
impossibly (or at least seemingly so)
unaffected by the pain that swarms me.
I feel my recent wants to give in to the pain,
and I shrug them off,
shoo them away like flies…
mind-boggling.
Such strength I cannot comprehend,
I can only accept that it is inside me,
and I cannot doubt God's hand,
I can merely go on in grateful awe of this glory.
Oddly abrupt,
this turn of events is,
for it was only the other night that I,
now so strong,
cringed on the floor,
wet in my own tears,
begging the pain to kill me off,
and giving in to the blade on my flesh;
but now?
My focus seems the new pivotal key;
amusing that I even tried to succeed before,
before when my goal was not set,
when my focus was off,
when I did not trust,
let alone believe.
I now trust my heart to guide me,
keeping my eyes set on that sweet child;
this newfound strength that holds my focus,
that finds me brave amidst my fears,
that restrains the all too familiar pain,
is also the strength I place my faith in,
for I know it's a strength from my God
and thus the strength that leads me to victory.
Victory.
How sweet the thought,
the word like honey in my mouth,
because I feel it coming,
I feel it within reach.
To think on how happy I will be,
how free,
how alive;
thoughts that only add to the drive,
so I keep on,
that sweet, sweet child in my mind,
smiling and beautiful,
not a blemish of my pain in those eyes,
and it drives me on,
makes me stronger.
I feel each heartbeat in my chest,
feel my breaths pass swiftly through my being,
and for once,
I feel a lightness in my soul.
I know the pain is there still,
but I revel in my body's new tolerance of it,
I revel in the astounding miracle--
that the pain built up within me,
can in fact be destroyed,
is in fact being destroyed,
and to think,
I need only keep all my focus
on that child in my heart and mind,
that child who makes my heart smile,
that child who drives me forward,
and I need only thank my God
for giving me this focus,
for taking away my pains,
however hard this fight may be.
So here I am, Satan,
here I am, pain,
here I am,
try your best,
but there's no way I won't win,
there's no way God will leave me,
no way I won't be that beauty,
no way I will let that child down;
there's just no way,
not when I taste the freedom coming,
not when I already feel so alive,
not when I can see that painless child,
not when I yearn for happiness,
not now, when,
I love the self that will be me.
… I assure you,
I've never felt this before;
and I'll be the good girl,
I'll let it possesses me,
let it take its hold,
and I'll turn inward for that fight,
won't turn back until it's won.
Stronger than the pain,
than my satan,
than love.
It quickly takes my body,
doing more than holding me,
but possessing me…
it makes me breathe,
smile even,
it makes me feel--
alive;
so alive.
The thoughts course through me,
never once faltering,
never once letting me wince in pain,
and all my focus is on that child,
that sweet, sweet child.
Nothing else in my mind matters
though the pain has not eased,
my heart remains heavy,
and my mind aches in thought…
and yet, strangely,
nothing else seems to matter,
nothing else seems to be able to hurt,
I only feel its presence.
My heart,
taking all of me with it,
centers itself on that child
and on the beauty I,
so desperately,
long to become.
Some might consider me crazed,
insane even,
for the look in my eyes,
for the constant racing of my heart,
for the lack of concern for trivialities,
for the need to push harder still,
for the numbness that coats every pain,
for the plain focus on one want…
one only needs look in my eyes;
I'm not really here,
just going through the motions,
instead I'm turned inward,
battling every monster I used to fear,
I used to run from,
I used to give in to,
and yet I remain confident,
impossibly (or at least seemingly so)
unaffected by the pain that swarms me.
I feel my recent wants to give in to the pain,
and I shrug them off,
shoo them away like flies…
mind-boggling.
Such strength I cannot comprehend,
I can only accept that it is inside me,
and I cannot doubt God's hand,
I can merely go on in grateful awe of this glory.
Oddly abrupt,
this turn of events is,
for it was only the other night that I,
now so strong,
cringed on the floor,
wet in my own tears,
begging the pain to kill me off,
and giving in to the blade on my flesh;
but now?
My focus seems the new pivotal key;
amusing that I even tried to succeed before,
before when my goal was not set,
when my focus was off,
when I did not trust,
let alone believe.
I now trust my heart to guide me,
keeping my eyes set on that sweet child;
this newfound strength that holds my focus,
that finds me brave amidst my fears,
that restrains the all too familiar pain,
is also the strength I place my faith in,
for I know it's a strength from my God
and thus the strength that leads me to victory.
Victory.
How sweet the thought,
the word like honey in my mouth,
because I feel it coming,
I feel it within reach.
To think on how happy I will be,
how free,
how alive;
thoughts that only add to the drive,
so I keep on,
that sweet, sweet child in my mind,
smiling and beautiful,
not a blemish of my pain in those eyes,
and it drives me on,
makes me stronger.
I feel each heartbeat in my chest,
feel my breaths pass swiftly through my being,
and for once,
I feel a lightness in my soul.
I know the pain is there still,
but I revel in my body's new tolerance of it,
I revel in the astounding miracle--
that the pain built up within me,
can in fact be destroyed,
is in fact being destroyed,
and to think,
I need only keep all my focus
on that child in my heart and mind,
that child who makes my heart smile,
that child who drives me forward,
and I need only thank my God
for giving me this focus,
for taking away my pains,
however hard this fight may be.
So here I am, Satan,
here I am, pain,
here I am,
try your best,
but there's no way I won't win,
there's no way God will leave me,
no way I won't be that beauty,
no way I will let that child down;
there's just no way,
not when I taste the freedom coming,
not when I already feel so alive,
not when I can see that painless child,
not when I yearn for happiness,
not now, when,
I love the self that will be me.
… I assure you,
I've never felt this before;
and I'll be the good girl,
I'll let it possesses me,
let it take its hold,
and I'll turn inward for that fight,
won't turn back until it's won.
"no response"
If you could feel my heart racing,
feel my body shaking.
It's not that I have no response…
it's that I have too many.
I'd like to thank you,
tell you I love you,
tell you I'm okay,
but for once in my life…
I can't find the right words,
or maybe it's that they can't find me.
If you could just feel me shaking…
feel my body shaking.
It's not that I have no response…
it's that I have too many.
I'd like to thank you,
tell you I love you,
tell you I'm okay,
but for once in my life…
I can't find the right words,
or maybe it's that they can't find me.
If you could just feel me shaking…
06 August 2008
"phasing pain"
My heart aches,
aches with a pain I can't understand,
a pain I can hardly bare.
If you could feel it,
if you could understand
and be the tears that burn my soul,
be the blood on my fingers.
aches with a pain I can't understand,
a pain I can hardly bare.
If you could feel it,
if you could understand
and be the tears that burn my soul,
be the blood on my fingers.
"Dear S."
Such a strong heart…
Everyone could guess that you miss him,
but never guess how much you love him…
I'm sure only God can see that.
Today I caught a glimpse of it in your eyes,
heard it in your voice;
I've never known that much love
to exist in two human hearts.
I've never known that
love between two people
could be so great,
so consuming,
I never knew.
Today you made me understand
what true love is,
and now I'm waiting for the day
when I can tell you I've found it too.
Everyone could guess that you miss him,
but never guess how much you love him…
I'm sure only God can see that.
Today I caught a glimpse of it in your eyes,
heard it in your voice;
I've never known that much love
to exist in two human hearts.
I've never known that
love between two people
could be so great,
so consuming,
I never knew.
Today you made me understand
what true love is,
and now I'm waiting for the day
when I can tell you I've found it too.
04 August 2008
"stop thinking so much"
To stop thinking,
to stop feeling;
to let the emotions fall,
to be numb.
It's almost calming,
the feeling of screeching brakes,
thoughts halting,
disappearing,
instead of their endless stream.
And the emotions previously building,
swelling and swelling in my heart,
wiped away,
dismissed.
It's a sick form of serenity,
to sit in the presence of such chaos,
and no longer be touched by it all.
to stop feeling;
to let the emotions fall,
to be numb.
It's almost calming,
the feeling of screeching brakes,
thoughts halting,
disappearing,
instead of their endless stream.
And the emotions previously building,
swelling and swelling in my heart,
wiped away,
dismissed.
It's a sick form of serenity,
to sit in the presence of such chaos,
and no longer be touched by it all.
"too unstable?"
Her words: flames;
devouring my flesh,
wounds deeper than my satan.
She seizes my heart,
sears it,
the burn filling my being,
shaking my soul.
She lets go,
shakes her head,
walks away.
Unstable,
we're left alone,
crying out;
balance unknown. …
And now I'm left,
battling my mind,
was she right the whole time?
Her words: flaming arrows;
continual fire
raining on my heart,
the pains of my satan.
devouring my flesh,
wounds deeper than my satan.
She seizes my heart,
sears it,
the burn filling my being,
shaking my soul.
She lets go,
shakes her head,
walks away.
Unstable,
we're left alone,
crying out;
balance unknown. …
And now I'm left,
battling my mind,
was she right the whole time?
Her words: flaming arrows;
continual fire
raining on my heart,
the pains of my satan.
"lack of"
Dozing in cyber light;
moon and stars lost behind curtains,
self lost behind file names.
Fresh blood, old scars
they all mingle;
starved chaos,
washed away…
hands still damp with submission,
still soiled with crimson salts.
moon and stars lost behind curtains,
self lost behind file names.
Fresh blood, old scars
they all mingle;
starved chaos,
washed away…
hands still damp with submission,
still soiled with crimson salts.
"sweet seduction"
Darkness that swept down,
covered, sang.
Sweet melodies of surrender.
And with creature left bare,
her hands and love washed over me,
caressing my soul,
in spite of every fault and blemish,
while the darkness sang;
the taste of sweet seduction.
covered, sang.
Sweet melodies of surrender.
And with creature left bare,
her hands and love washed over me,
caressing my soul,
in spite of every fault and blemish,
while the darkness sang;
the taste of sweet seduction.
28 July 2008
"a clean night"
Sudden bouts of serenity flood my veins,
filling my clouded mind with a silence,
and everything goes cold,
my body left numb.
This latest absence somehow satisfying;
the sweet taste of an abandoned recurrence.
Dry eyes making greater the distance
between self and pain
between now and then;
eyes that cast every point and blade
at the sins that cry out,
no mercy,
just a crutch within a nailed coffin.
filling my clouded mind with a silence,
and everything goes cold,
my body left numb.
This latest absence somehow satisfying;
the sweet taste of an abandoned recurrence.
Dry eyes making greater the distance
between self and pain
between now and then;
eyes that cast every point and blade
at the sins that cry out,
no mercy,
just a crutch within a nailed coffin.
25 July 2008
"when arms are bare."
Can you hold me?
Please?
Trying to think, breathe, sleep,
and finding I can't.
I need to feel something;
anything.
The warmth of a friend's words,
the safety of their arms,
the release of a blade.
Anything.
Oh, come on!
Let's make a scene!
Warped emotion,
twisted logic,
isn't life better thrown in suspense?
We'll cover the blood in lies
like we cover the scars in cloth,
and in the end,
feelings are worthless,
it's all about
the momentary ups.
Please.
I need to let go of this,
need to get out of my own head,
there's nothing left there for me…
just the numbness that
has me locked to every insecurity,
every fault, every emotion,
and I don't know where to turn.
Hopeless, you are.
Trust me,
I'll hold you,
I know what to do,
I'll make it feel better,
trust me.
Now here,
one more,
just one more;
it'll take the pain away.
Help me,
make it stop,
please.
Please.
I don't want this,
it feels like I do,
but I just…
don't know what else to do.
Can you hold me, please?
I don't want to spend another night
alone
or in the bonds of this.
You're hurting!
Come on,
come on,
come on!
Just one more,
just one.
It'll take the pain away.
I promise,
now trust me.
Please…
I don't want this.
You know you do.
Just one.
Imagine
feeling all the pain
go away
with
just-
Go away.
Everything will be okay.
No it won't,
you know it won't!
It never is.
Not ever.
You know you want to give in,
come on.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Please…
everything will be okay.
Please?
Trying to think, breathe, sleep,
and finding I can't.
I need to feel something;
anything.
The warmth of a friend's words,
the safety of their arms,
the release of a blade.
Anything.
Oh, come on!
Let's make a scene!
Warped emotion,
twisted logic,
isn't life better thrown in suspense?
We'll cover the blood in lies
like we cover the scars in cloth,
and in the end,
feelings are worthless,
it's all about
the momentary ups.
Please.
I need to let go of this,
need to get out of my own head,
there's nothing left there for me…
just the numbness that
has me locked to every insecurity,
every fault, every emotion,
and I don't know where to turn.
Hopeless, you are.
Trust me,
I'll hold you,
I know what to do,
I'll make it feel better,
trust me.
Now here,
one more,
just one more;
it'll take the pain away.
Help me,
make it stop,
please.
Please.
I don't want this,
it feels like I do,
but I just…
don't know what else to do.
Can you hold me, please?
I don't want to spend another night
alone
or in the bonds of this.
You're hurting!
Come on,
come on,
come on!
Just one more,
just one.
It'll take the pain away.
I promise,
now trust me.
Please…
I don't want this.
You know you do.
Just one.
Imagine
feeling all the pain
go away
with
just-
Go away.
Everything will be okay.
No it won't,
you know it won't!
It never is.
Not ever.
You know you want to give in,
come on.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Please…
everything will be okay.
"to not trust"
He couldn't trust himself.
Feeling alone, lost, unloved,
he'd reach for the very thing
he didn't need,
the very thing
that was tearing him apart.
And he fell;
time and time again,
he tripped himself up,
watched himself fall.
And now he's beginning to learn
how demanding life is
when one has to shut themselves down
and completely trust One God
and one friend.
The pain boils inside him
every second, moment, day,
and he doesn't know how to cope,
doesn't know how to stop and breathe.
He simply can't trust himself,
can't trust himself if he'd like to be okay;
and that's all he's ever wanted.
Feeling alone, lost, unloved,
he'd reach for the very thing
he didn't need,
the very thing
that was tearing him apart.
And he fell;
time and time again,
he tripped himself up,
watched himself fall.
And now he's beginning to learn
how demanding life is
when one has to shut themselves down
and completely trust One God
and one friend.
The pain boils inside him
every second, moment, day,
and he doesn't know how to cope,
doesn't know how to stop and breathe.
He simply can't trust himself,
can't trust himself if he'd like to be okay;
and that's all he's ever wanted.
24 July 2008
"look in the mirror"
This is when all hell breaks loose,
keep your eyes shut if you don't want to see,
but don't complain when you hear the screams.
And here's your life before your eyes,
do you even know who you are?
Tell me,
what's that in your hand?
Tell me,
why do you hide your wrists?
Tell me,
no, tell yourself,
what that blood means.
And what's the point of trying,
when you keep letting yourself fall.
You stand back and watch,
and you can't even find your own soul.
You can't sleep,
you don't pray,
you think too much,
you cry,
you hurt,
you fall,
you don't try,
and yet here you are,
you wonder why you're in pain.
It looks like you'll never learn,
looks like you'll be this forever;
your first instinct is a yearning,
but for what?
Freshly cut skin, blood,
that what you want?
Yeah, nice scars,
but how far are those going to get you?
They don't raise your grades,
get you into college,
get you a job,
a life,
and they sure don't get you into heaven.
Who are you?
You don't even know.
keep your eyes shut if you don't want to see,
but don't complain when you hear the screams.
And here's your life before your eyes,
do you even know who you are?
Tell me,
what's that in your hand?
Tell me,
why do you hide your wrists?
Tell me,
no, tell yourself,
what that blood means.
And what's the point of trying,
when you keep letting yourself fall.
You stand back and watch,
and you can't even find your own soul.
You can't sleep,
you don't pray,
you think too much,
you cry,
you hurt,
you fall,
you don't try,
and yet here you are,
you wonder why you're in pain.
It looks like you'll never learn,
looks like you'll be this forever;
your first instinct is a yearning,
but for what?
Freshly cut skin, blood,
that what you want?
Yeah, nice scars,
but how far are those going to get you?
They don't raise your grades,
get you into college,
get you a job,
a life,
and they sure don't get you into heaven.
Who are you?
You don't even know.
23 July 2008
"one blade."
He lies in my hand,
useless till I hold on,
and now…
well now it's so hard to let go.
He holds me,
as he's holding me now,
and it's so hard to say no,
so hard to fight him.
My friends hate him,
family doesn't know.
And me?
I hate him;
I want him,
but I hate him.
He makes my heartbeat falter,
my blood flow;
he makes me cry,
makes me hurt for reasons
I'll never know.
And yet I can't seem to let go…
because he can't think,
can't speak,
can't move,
can't breathe;
the most unreal piece of reality
to ever have a hold on my life,
and he's cutting me up,
inside and out.
useless till I hold on,
and now…
well now it's so hard to let go.
He holds me,
as he's holding me now,
and it's so hard to say no,
so hard to fight him.
My friends hate him,
family doesn't know.
And me?
I hate him;
I want him,
but I hate him.
He makes my heartbeat falter,
my blood flow;
he makes me cry,
makes me hurt for reasons
I'll never know.
And yet I can't seem to let go…
because he can't think,
can't speak,
can't move,
can't breathe;
the most unreal piece of reality
to ever have a hold on my life,
and he's cutting me up,
inside and out.
21 July 2008
"Naked Satan"
And these are the musings
of eyes kept open:
Exhausted,
but the eyes won't close.
Naked before the world,
these words were my clothes.
Tears roll down,
the blood rising,
sins crying out,
as if feeling was my place to go.
Just stop!
Even breathing is too much to bear.
And as darkness falls,
again,
I sit and watch;
my soul,
crippled.
What do you want from me?!
But even Satan doesn't know.
The heat takes his heart
as it takes mine;
the licking flames of a desire;
a poor heart taken in heat
turns a soul so cold.
of eyes kept open:
Exhausted,
but the eyes won't close.
Naked before the world,
these words were my clothes.
Tears roll down,
the blood rising,
sins crying out,
as if feeling was my place to go.
Just stop!
Even breathing is too much to bear.
And as darkness falls,
again,
I sit and watch;
my soul,
crippled.
What do you want from me?!
But even Satan doesn't know.
The heat takes his heart
as it takes mine;
the licking flames of a desire;
a poor heart taken in heat
turns a soul so cold.
18 July 2008
"The Heart of a Child"
What is there to do?
When my heart wants to detach
from everything I need
and yet hold on to it all the more.
I love him…
and he loves me,
I believe he does,
it's just hard to see at times,
and yes, he hurts me,
he makes me cry…
but I know he loves me,
it's just hard to remember at times.
My soul cries out in prayer,
and I'm always answered,
sometimes it's what I want,
sometimes it isn't,
but I always know He's there.
And my heart grows heavy
with pain and sorrow
and other times with pure joy.
My heart…
so troubled;
it wants to hold on,
it wants to let go;
it's like a child:
it knows exactly where it needs to go,
but it's so unsure of how to get there,
feeling lost and alone,
but somehow full of hope,
pure and dreaming.
When my heart wants to detach
from everything I need
and yet hold on to it all the more.
I love him…
and he loves me,
I believe he does,
it's just hard to see at times,
and yes, he hurts me,
he makes me cry…
but I know he loves me,
it's just hard to remember at times.
My soul cries out in prayer,
and I'm always answered,
sometimes it's what I want,
sometimes it isn't,
but I always know He's there.
And my heart grows heavy
with pain and sorrow
and other times with pure joy.
My heart…
so troubled;
it wants to hold on,
it wants to let go;
it's like a child:
it knows exactly where it needs to go,
but it's so unsure of how to get there,
feeling lost and alone,
but somehow full of hope,
pure and dreaming.
annoying...
I wrote a poem titled "patience" and blogger just doesn't like the format of it at all nor does it like the other methods I have attempted (with help) to post it, so if you're interested in reading it, let me know and I'll get it to you. It's the type of poem that would be nothing without it's structure, format, and color and would thus lose character if I posted it in it's horribly disgusting and blogger-altered form.
~Jessie
~Jessie
15 July 2008
"confusion in threes"
Hold me?
But he can’t…
and he wouldn’t.
Faces before her eyes
where there’s no room to cry,
he just lies there in her mind,
the chains that keep her still.
I don’t understand…
whispering to no one,
growing faint in the heat,
but he wouldn’t,
just wouldn’t,
and there she is:
naked in the eyes of her satan,
love rolling off her skin in waves,
splatter marks across time.
Love me!
Pleading the unanswered,
reaching for what?
For nothing…
She falls to her knees,
her face lost in the floor,
staring at a chained heart,
the imprints of another white wall.
Please don’t…
his hands come down,
he leaves,
he spits fire in her soul.
But he can’t…
and he wouldn’t.
Faces before her eyes
where there’s no room to cry,
he just lies there in her mind,
the chains that keep her still.
I don’t understand…
whispering to no one,
growing faint in the heat,
but he wouldn’t,
just wouldn’t,
and there she is:
naked in the eyes of her satan,
love rolling off her skin in waves,
splatter marks across time.
Love me!
Pleading the unanswered,
reaching for what?
For nothing…
She falls to her knees,
her face lost in the floor,
staring at a chained heart,
the imprints of another white wall.
Please don’t…
his hands come down,
he leaves,
he spits fire in her soul.
"not giving in"
It’s just that one weakness,
eats at my heart.
Tear me down,
do it,
I dare you.
Just tear me down,
get it over with.
‘Cause I’m that gullible,
thinking I’m strong till it hits me,
then I know I’m weak.
Well come on now,
take your best shot.
Because now it doesn’t matter
how far I fall,
how deep I plunge;
temptation lies in anguish,
his hands tied,
and I hold the winning ace,
an eternity from the blades of hell.
eats at my heart.
Tear me down,
do it,
I dare you.
Just tear me down,
get it over with.
‘Cause I’m that gullible,
thinking I’m strong till it hits me,
then I know I’m weak.
Well come on now,
take your best shot.
Because now it doesn’t matter
how far I fall,
how deep I plunge;
temptation lies in anguish,
his hands tied,
and I hold the winning ace,
an eternity from the blades of hell.
"wiser shoes"
I’ve felt this before.
Why does it happen?
…I don’t really know.
When the relationship suddenly flips.
She was always the older one,
the wiser one;
giving me advice,
getting me through,
being that other big sister for me.
Then it shifts.
She needs me,
she needs the help,
the advice,
the assurance,
the love,
the support.
Suddenly I’m expected
to stand in wiser shoes.
I don’t know where it comes from,
but somehow I say the right things;
late night phone conversations,
problems I couldn’t dream.
Why does this happen?
I’m so content being the younger one,
having such confidence in her or her,
but I’ve felt this before…
this flip has happened before,
and I don’t know why.
I just slip into the role,
do what needs be done out of love,
and trust that God leads me
where I need to go,
even when it takes me from where I am,
where I like being,
into a maturity that sets me apart.
I don’t understand it,
honestly I don’t,
but I know it’s happened before,
maybe it’ll happen again.
…I’ve felt this before,
and it scares me,
worries me,
makes me question
if I’ll be strong enough
if I’m doing everything right
if I’m making God proud.
I don’t really understand,
don’t really know much,
just trying my best to trust,
to be everything I’m supposed to be,
even when I’d rather just be the younger one.
Why does it happen?
…I don’t really know.
When the relationship suddenly flips.
She was always the older one,
the wiser one;
giving me advice,
getting me through,
being that other big sister for me.
Then it shifts.
She needs me,
she needs the help,
the advice,
the assurance,
the love,
the support.
Suddenly I’m expected
to stand in wiser shoes.
I don’t know where it comes from,
but somehow I say the right things;
late night phone conversations,
problems I couldn’t dream.
Why does this happen?
I’m so content being the younger one,
having such confidence in her or her,
but I’ve felt this before…
this flip has happened before,
and I don’t know why.
I just slip into the role,
do what needs be done out of love,
and trust that God leads me
where I need to go,
even when it takes me from where I am,
where I like being,
into a maturity that sets me apart.
I don’t understand it,
honestly I don’t,
but I know it’s happened before,
maybe it’ll happen again.
…I’ve felt this before,
and it scares me,
worries me,
makes me question
if I’ll be strong enough
if I’m doing everything right
if I’m making God proud.
I don’t really understand,
don’t really know much,
just trying my best to trust,
to be everything I’m supposed to be,
even when I’d rather just be the younger one.
"one sided"
And it’s true,
the look in his eyes
isn’t what I wanted to see;
and maybe it’s all because…
he doesn’t see me.
Tell me what love feels like,
I wouldn’t know.
He’ll never look at me that way.
And here I stand,
naked thoughts to your ears,
because no one knew…
not even me,
how much of my heart
I’d given away
to a man who doesn’t even see me.
the look in his eyes
isn’t what I wanted to see;
and maybe it’s all because…
he doesn’t see me.
Tell me what love feels like,
I wouldn’t know.
He’ll never look at me that way.
And here I stand,
naked thoughts to your ears,
because no one knew…
not even me,
how much of my heart
I’d given away
to a man who doesn’t even see me.
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