"a clean night"

Sudden bouts of serenity flood my veins,
filling my clouded mind with a silence,
and everything goes cold,
my body left numb.
This latest absence somehow satisfying;
the sweet taste of an abandoned recurrence.
Dry eyes making greater the distance
between self and pain
between now and then;
eyes that cast every point and blade
at the sins that cry out,
no mercy,
just a crutch within a nailed coffin.

"when arms are bare."

Can you hold me?
Please?
Trying to think, breathe, sleep,
and finding I can't.
I need to feel something;
anything.
The warmth of a friend's words,
the safety of their arms,
the release of a blade.
Anything.

Oh, come on!
Let's make a scene!
Warped emotion,
twisted logic,
isn't life better thrown in suspense?
We'll cover the blood in lies
like we cover the scars in cloth,
and in the end,
feelings are worthless,
it's all about
the momentary ups.

Please.
I need to let go of this,
need to get out of my own head,
there's nothing left there for me…
just the numbness that
has me locked to every insecurity,
every fault, every emotion,
and I don't know where to turn.

Hopeless, you are.
Trust me,
I'll hold you,
I know what to do,
I'll make it feel better,
trust me.
Now here,
one more,
just one more;
it'll take the pain away.

Help me,
make it stop,
please.
Please.
I don't want this,
it feels like I do,
but I just…
don't know what else to do.
Can you hold me, please?
I don't want to spend another night
alone
or in the bonds of this.

You're hurting!
Come on,
come on,
come on!
Just one more,
just one.
It'll take the pain away.
I promise,
now trust me.

Please…
I don't want this.

You know you do.
Just one.
Imagine
feeling all the pain
go away
with
just-

Go away.
Everything will be okay.

No it won't,
you know it won't!
It never is.
Not ever.
You know you want to give in,
come on.

Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Please…
everything will be okay.

"to not trust"

He couldn't trust himself.
Feeling alone, lost, unloved,
he'd reach for the very thing
he didn't need,
the very thing
that was tearing him apart.
And he fell;
time and time again,
he tripped himself up,
watched himself fall.
And now he's beginning to learn
how demanding life is
when one has to shut themselves down
and completely trust One God
and one friend.
The pain boils inside him
every second, moment, day,
and he doesn't know how to cope,
doesn't know how to stop and breathe.
He simply can't trust himself,
can't trust himself if he'd like to be okay;
and that's all he's ever wanted.

"look in the mirror"

This is when all hell breaks loose,
keep your eyes shut if you don't want to see,
but don't complain when you hear the screams.
And here's your life before your eyes,
do you even know who you are?
Tell me,
what's that in your hand?
Tell me,
why do you hide your wrists?
Tell me,
no, tell yourself,
what that blood means.
And what's the point of trying,
when you keep letting yourself fall.
You stand back and watch,
and you can't even find your own soul.
You can't sleep,
you don't pray,
you think too much,
you cry,
you hurt,
you fall,
you don't try,
and yet here you are,
you wonder why you're in pain.
It looks like you'll never learn,
looks like you'll be this forever;
your first instinct is a yearning,
but for what?
Freshly cut skin, blood,
that what you want?
Yeah, nice scars,
but how far are those going to get you?
They don't raise your grades,
get you into college,
get you a job,
a life,
and they sure don't get you into heaven.
Who are you?
You don't even know.

"one blade."

He lies in my hand,
useless till I hold on,
and now…
well now it's so hard to let go.
He holds me,
as he's holding me now,
and it's so hard to say no,
so hard to fight him.
My friends hate him,
family doesn't know.
And me?
I hate him;
I want him,
but I hate him.
He makes my heartbeat falter,
my blood flow;
he makes me cry,
makes me hurt for reasons
I'll never know.
And yet I can't seem to let go…
because he can't think,
can't speak,
can't move,
can't breathe;
the most unreal piece of reality
to ever have a hold on my life,
and he's cutting me up,
inside and out.

"Naked Satan"

And these are the musings
of eyes kept open:

Exhausted,
but the eyes won't close.
Naked before the world,
these words were my clothes.
Tears roll down,
the blood rising,
sins crying out,
as if feeling was my place to go.
Just stop!

Even breathing is too much to bear.

And as darkness falls,
again,
I sit and watch;
my soul,
crippled.

What do you want from me?!

But even Satan doesn't know.
The heat takes his heart
as it takes mine;
the licking flames of a desire;
a poor heart taken in heat
turns a soul so cold.

"The Heart of a Child"

What is there to do?
When my heart wants to detach
from everything I need
and yet hold on to it all the more.
I love him…
and he loves me,
I believe he does,
it's just hard to see at times,
and yes, he hurts me,
he makes me cry…
but I know he loves me,
it's just hard to remember at times.
My soul cries out in prayer,
and I'm always answered,
sometimes it's what I want,
sometimes it isn't,
but I always know He's there.
And my heart grows heavy
with pain and sorrow
and other times with pure joy.
My heart…
so troubled;
it wants to hold on,
it wants to let go;
it's like a child:
it knows exactly where it needs to go,
but it's so unsure of how to get there,
feeling lost and alone,
but somehow full of hope,
pure and dreaming.

annoying...

I wrote a poem titled "patience" and blogger just doesn't like the format of it at all nor does it like the other methods I have attempted (with help) to post it, so if you're interested in reading it, let me know and I'll get it to you. It's the type of poem that would be nothing without it's structure, format, and color and would thus lose character if I posted it in it's horribly disgusting and blogger-altered form.

~Jessie

"confusion in threes"

Hold me?
But he can’t…
and he wouldn’t.
Faces before her eyes
where there’s no room to cry,
he just lies there in her mind,
the chains that keep her still.
I don’t understand…
whispering to no one,
growing faint in the heat,
but he wouldn’t,
just wouldn’t,
and there she is:
naked in the eyes of her satan,
love rolling off her skin in waves,
splatter marks across time.
Love me!
Pleading the unanswered,
reaching for what?
For nothing…
She falls to her knees,
her face lost in the floor,
staring at a chained heart,
the imprints of another white wall.
Please don’t…
his hands come down,
he leaves,
he spits fire in her soul.

"not giving in"

It’s just that one weakness,
eats at my heart.
Tear me down,
do it,
I dare you.
Just tear me down,
get it over with.
‘Cause I’m that gullible,
thinking I’m strong till it hits me,
then I know I’m weak.
Well come on now,
take your best shot.
Because now it doesn’t matter
how far I fall,
how deep I plunge;
temptation lies in anguish,
his hands tied,
and I hold the winning ace,
an eternity from the blades of hell.

"wiser shoes"

I’ve felt this before.
Why does it happen?
…I don’t really know.
When the relationship suddenly flips.
She was always the older one,
the wiser one;
giving me advice,
getting me through,
being that other big sister for me.
Then it shifts.
She needs me,
she needs the help,
the advice,
the assurance,
the love,
the support.
Suddenly I’m expected
to stand in wiser shoes.
I don’t know where it comes from,
but somehow I say the right things;
late night phone conversations,
problems I couldn’t dream.
Why does this happen?
I’m so content being the younger one,
having such confidence in her or her,
but I’ve felt this before…
this flip has happened before,
and I don’t know why.
I just slip into the role,
do what needs be done out of love,
and trust that God leads me
where I need to go,
even when it takes me from where I am,
where I like being,
into a maturity that sets me apart.
I don’t understand it,
honestly I don’t,
but I know it’s happened before,
maybe it’ll happen again.
…I’ve felt this before,
and it scares me,
worries me,
makes me question
if I’ll be strong enough
if I’m doing everything right
if I’m making God proud.
I don’t really understand,
don’t really know much,
just trying my best to trust,
to be everything I’m supposed to be,
even when I’d rather just be the younger one.

"one sided"

And it’s true,
the look in his eyes
isn’t what I wanted to see;
and maybe it’s all because…
he doesn’t see me.
Tell me what love feels like,
I wouldn’t know.
He’ll never look at me that way.
And here I stand,
naked thoughts to your ears,
because no one knew…
not even me,
how much of my heart
I’d given away
to a man who doesn’t even see me.