"dumbfounded"

Never felt this before.
Stronger than the pain,
than my satan,
than love.
It quickly takes my body,
doing more than holding me,
but possessing me…
it makes me breathe,
smile even,
it makes me feel--
alive;
so alive.
The thoughts course through me,
never once faltering,
never once letting me wince in pain,
and all my focus is on that child,
that sweet, sweet child.
Nothing else in my mind matters
though the pain has not eased,
my heart remains heavy,
and my mind aches in thought…
and yet, strangely,
nothing else seems to matter,
nothing else seems to be able to hurt,
I only feel its presence.
My heart,
taking all of me with it,
centers itself on that child
and on the beauty I,
so desperately,
long to become.
Some might consider me crazed,
insane even,
for the look in my eyes,
for the constant racing of my heart,
for the lack of concern for trivialities,
for the need to push harder still,
for the numbness that coats every pain,
for the plain focus on one want…
one only needs look in my eyes;
I'm not really here,
just going through the motions,
instead I'm turned inward,
battling every monster I used to fear,
I used to run from,
I used to give in to,
and yet I remain confident,
impossibly (or at least seemingly so)
unaffected by the pain that swarms me.
I feel my recent wants to give in to the pain,
and I shrug them off,
shoo them away like flies…
mind-boggling.
Such strength I cannot comprehend,
I can only accept that it is inside me,
and I cannot doubt God's hand,
I can merely go on in grateful awe of this glory.
Oddly abrupt,
this turn of events is,
for it was only the other night that I,
now so strong,
cringed on the floor,
wet in my own tears,
begging the pain to kill me off,
and giving in to the blade on my flesh;
but now?
My focus seems the new pivotal key;
amusing that I even tried to succeed before,
before when my goal was not set,
when my focus was off,
when I did not trust,
let alone believe.
I now trust my heart to guide me,
keeping my eyes set on that sweet child;
this newfound strength that holds my focus,
that finds me brave amidst my fears,
that restrains the all too familiar pain,
is also the strength I place my faith in,
for I know it's a strength from my God
and thus the strength that leads me to victory.
Victory.
How sweet the thought,
the word like honey in my mouth,
because I feel it coming,
I feel it within reach.
To think on how happy I will be,
how free,
how alive;
thoughts that only add to the drive,
so I keep on,
that sweet, sweet child in my mind,
smiling and beautiful,
not a blemish of my pain in those eyes,
and it drives me on,
makes me stronger.
I feel each heartbeat in my chest,
feel my breaths pass swiftly through my being,
and for once,
I feel a lightness in my soul.
I know the pain is there still,
but I revel in my body's new tolerance of it,
I revel in the astounding miracle--
that the pain built up within me,
can in fact be destroyed,
is in fact being destroyed,
and to think,
I need only keep all my focus
on that child in my heart and mind,
that child who makes my heart smile,
that child who drives me forward,
and I need only thank my God
for giving me this focus,
for taking away my pains,
however hard this fight may be.
So here I am, Satan,
here I am, pain,
here I am,
try your best,
but there's no way I won't win,
there's no way God will leave me,
no way I won't be that beauty,
no way I will let that child down;
there's just no way,
not when I taste the freedom coming,
not when I already feel so alive,
not when I can see that painless child,
not when I yearn for happiness,
not now, when,
I love the self that will be me.
… I assure you,
I've never felt this before;
and I'll be the good girl,
I'll let it possesses me,
let it take its hold,
and I'll turn inward for that fight,
won't turn back until it's won.