"bleeding watercolors"

Pigtails on a Painter's pallet,
the colors swirled to blood-stained strokes,
and up and down on the seesaw she goes.
Unborn limbs tossed to the sea,
smiles cut to fit the canvas,
and up and down and up and down.
She's a twirl of cotton candy,
running barefoot in a splash of sun,
up, up, up;
a flick of a brush,
held steady, silent,
and down, down, down.
And here she runs to the seesaw,
up and down she goes,
up and down,
up,
down,
she clings,
see her go,
up,
down.
An open wound begging for salt,
and yet…
she yearns for the jump off an easel,
out of a frame,
the dizzy sugar grin,
she yearns
up,
held by a Painter
down.

"broken darkness"

She sat
alone
in the dark.
Pain coursing through
every
vein.
She wanted to let
all that pain
out.
And she did.
She sat
alone
and in the dark
she broke
skin
let the pain
flow.
Slowly,
so
slowly,
she etched the letters
P
A
I
N
into her flesh,
and felt it flow away.
She was
alone.

"what did you do?"

I don't even know you!
A liar,
a manipulator,
how do you look in a mirror?
…I don't understand.
And yet I love you,
I forgive you,
and we all fall for your lies,
time and time again…
we'd like to believe you,
like to be blind,
but you prevent even that.
You hurt us,
her,
her,
him,
me.
Doesn't it hurt?
To know that you're the cause,
that you and you alone
are the reason for the tears?
For the body-shaking sobs,
for the lack of sleep,
for the skipped meals,
for the wall-banged heads,
for the fear,
for the pain.
Doesn't it burn your conscience?
I don't know you,
I don't understand you,
I hate the pain you fill us with,
and yet I love you.
I don't understand!
You don't know,
you just don't.
You don't hear my prayers,
don't hear the sobs,
don't see the scars,
you just don't.
But I love you!
God knows I love you.
If only you knew,
if only you could understand,
if only you would try,
if only you would see,
if only you wouldn't hurt us so…
but I pray for you,
I do.
I ask God to help you,
ask Him to let you see,
to let you love.
You just don't realize
how much all this,
all this pointless stress,
crushes me.
And it doesn't matter what it is,
it's never mattered what it is…
just the fact that you lie,
that you hide,
that you cause the hurt and tears,
that's what matters.
I wish I knew you.
I wish there was more to do
but to try and pray and love.
I don't hate you,
but I don't know you either…

"on repeat"

It's a smile, a tear,
a speck of light in the eyes;
it's the string that can't be cut,
keeps heart to heart to heart.
It's the song on the radio,
on the mp3, mp4, CD headphones;
the quiet humming,
the one and only hairbrush show,
the refrain in the shower.
It's the melody, the words,
the meaning;
it's the connection,
the heart to heart to heart
of every girl that
keeps the feelings, the tears, the smiles:
secrets made music,
the song on all our lips.

"want"

If I'm always you
and never me
how am I supposed to fly?
…you won't even let me stand.
And where I crawl to is a mystery,
a secret symphony,
all my hopes and dreams locked away,
if you saw,
you wouldn't even let me crawl.

"young teenage heart"

What I wouldn't give for a taste of love.

Lie still?
I can't.
My body moves with longing,
eyes closed, head back,
voice singing my heart out.
I can't be still.
Like my feet learned to dance
and I'm still trying to learn;
I can only move,
the beat of my heart keeping time.
Oh what I wouldn't give!

Screams in my mouth,
can't you hear the agony?
Can't you hear my heart calling?

I can't be still,
can't be silent.

What I wouldn't give for you.

Loneliness: a fatality.
What I wouldn't give for arms around me,
sweet kisses I could taste,
a heart to hold on to.

Give me love;
I can't stop moving,
can't stop looking.
I'd give you everything.

A young heart?
So call me foolish,
but what I wouldn't give!
Just a taste of that love.

Tearing me apart,
rake my body with a million spears,
but first a single scrap of truth,
just a taste of love.

I can't help moving,
can't help looking,
longing for you.

And how will I know?
Will you love me true?
I can't but wonder;
the frailties of my lost heart.

I can't lie still,
my dreams staging wishes;
I'm just a young heart,
but I see you,
want you.

Our forms swaying,
hearts in hands
in love.

What I wouldn't give!

I can't.
I'll just be moving,
won't be able to keep still,
not until you stop me,
hold me,
keep me,
love me.

My heart will stop,
it won't be mine.
I'll lie still.

I'd give everything.

"truth"

The truth?
I got home and cried.
I love those girls so much…
like sisters,
only closer.
And there's so much my heart feels,
if only I could find all the words.
I just can't wait for heaven
because added to all that glory,
I'll get to spend forever with my sisters.

"another hard day."

My body feels useless,
lifeless,
restless even,
as the battle carries on inward,
my hands clench for a hit
and then loosen…
monsters that don't play fair,
no bruises or blood,
just immense focus…
tolerance for pain,
patience clouded in fear.
Tolerance…
for all the pain
as it makes its way past my strength,
as it shatters my focus;
the battle rages on.
I gain the higher ground,
confident and strong,
yet weary from exertion.
I feel the pain,
and work to face it,
destroy it.
My focus centered,
the Spirit filling my soul,
I keep on,
the fight never once pausing
for a fuel of pain and fear that great,
and I keep on,
despite the pain.

"dumbfounded"

Never felt this before.
Stronger than the pain,
than my satan,
than love.
It quickly takes my body,
doing more than holding me,
but possessing me…
it makes me breathe,
smile even,
it makes me feel--
alive;
so alive.
The thoughts course through me,
never once faltering,
never once letting me wince in pain,
and all my focus is on that child,
that sweet, sweet child.
Nothing else in my mind matters
though the pain has not eased,
my heart remains heavy,
and my mind aches in thought…
and yet, strangely,
nothing else seems to matter,
nothing else seems to be able to hurt,
I only feel its presence.
My heart,
taking all of me with it,
centers itself on that child
and on the beauty I,
so desperately,
long to become.
Some might consider me crazed,
insane even,
for the look in my eyes,
for the constant racing of my heart,
for the lack of concern for trivialities,
for the need to push harder still,
for the numbness that coats every pain,
for the plain focus on one want…
one only needs look in my eyes;
I'm not really here,
just going through the motions,
instead I'm turned inward,
battling every monster I used to fear,
I used to run from,
I used to give in to,
and yet I remain confident,
impossibly (or at least seemingly so)
unaffected by the pain that swarms me.
I feel my recent wants to give in to the pain,
and I shrug them off,
shoo them away like flies…
mind-boggling.
Such strength I cannot comprehend,
I can only accept that it is inside me,
and I cannot doubt God's hand,
I can merely go on in grateful awe of this glory.
Oddly abrupt,
this turn of events is,
for it was only the other night that I,
now so strong,
cringed on the floor,
wet in my own tears,
begging the pain to kill me off,
and giving in to the blade on my flesh;
but now?
My focus seems the new pivotal key;
amusing that I even tried to succeed before,
before when my goal was not set,
when my focus was off,
when I did not trust,
let alone believe.
I now trust my heart to guide me,
keeping my eyes set on that sweet child;
this newfound strength that holds my focus,
that finds me brave amidst my fears,
that restrains the all too familiar pain,
is also the strength I place my faith in,
for I know it's a strength from my God
and thus the strength that leads me to victory.
Victory.
How sweet the thought,
the word like honey in my mouth,
because I feel it coming,
I feel it within reach.
To think on how happy I will be,
how free,
how alive;
thoughts that only add to the drive,
so I keep on,
that sweet, sweet child in my mind,
smiling and beautiful,
not a blemish of my pain in those eyes,
and it drives me on,
makes me stronger.
I feel each heartbeat in my chest,
feel my breaths pass swiftly through my being,
and for once,
I feel a lightness in my soul.
I know the pain is there still,
but I revel in my body's new tolerance of it,
I revel in the astounding miracle--
that the pain built up within me,
can in fact be destroyed,
is in fact being destroyed,
and to think,
I need only keep all my focus
on that child in my heart and mind,
that child who makes my heart smile,
that child who drives me forward,
and I need only thank my God
for giving me this focus,
for taking away my pains,
however hard this fight may be.
So here I am, Satan,
here I am, pain,
here I am,
try your best,
but there's no way I won't win,
there's no way God will leave me,
no way I won't be that beauty,
no way I will let that child down;
there's just no way,
not when I taste the freedom coming,
not when I already feel so alive,
not when I can see that painless child,
not when I yearn for happiness,
not now, when,
I love the self that will be me.
… I assure you,
I've never felt this before;
and I'll be the good girl,
I'll let it possesses me,
let it take its hold,
and I'll turn inward for that fight,
won't turn back until it's won.

"no response"

If you could feel my heart racing,
feel my body shaking.
It's not that I have no response…
it's that I have too many.
I'd like to thank you,
tell you I love you,
tell you I'm okay,
but for once in my life…
I can't find the right words,
or maybe it's that they can't find me.
If you could just feel me shaking…

"phasing pain"

My heart aches,
aches with a pain I can't understand,
a pain I can hardly bare.
If you could feel it,
if you could understand
and be the tears that burn my soul,
be the blood on my fingers.

"Dear S."

Such a strong heart…
Everyone could guess that you miss him,
but never guess how much you love him…
I'm sure only God can see that.
Today I caught a glimpse of it in your eyes,
heard it in your voice;
I've never known that much love
to exist in two human hearts.
I've never known that
love between two people
could be so great,
so consuming,
I never knew.
Today you made me understand
what true love is,
and now I'm waiting for the day
when I can tell you I've found it too.

"stop thinking so much"

To stop thinking,
to stop feeling;
to let the emotions fall,
to be numb.
It's almost calming,
the feeling of screeching brakes,
thoughts halting,
disappearing,
instead of their endless stream.
And the emotions previously building,
swelling and swelling in my heart,
wiped away,
dismissed.
It's a sick form of serenity,
to sit in the presence of such chaos,
and no longer be touched by it all.

"too unstable?"

Her words: flames;
devouring my flesh,
wounds deeper than my satan.
She seizes my heart,
sears it,
the burn filling my being,
shaking my soul.
She lets go,
shakes her head,
walks away.
Unstable,
we're left alone,
crying out;
balance unknown. …
And now I'm left,
battling my mind,
was she right the whole time?
Her words: flaming arrows;
continual fire
raining on my heart,
the pains of my satan.

"lack of"

Dozing in cyber light;
moon and stars lost behind curtains,
self lost behind file names.
Fresh blood, old scars
they all mingle;
starved chaos,
washed away…
hands still damp with submission,
still soiled with crimson salts.

"sweet seduction"

Darkness that swept down,
covered, sang.
Sweet melodies of surrender.
And with creature left bare,
her hands and love washed over me,
caressing my soul,
in spite of every fault and blemish,
while the darkness sang;
the taste of sweet seduction.